I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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