do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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