Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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