I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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