That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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