I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
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just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
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Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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