So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
