if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
