i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
