You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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