At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
