Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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