my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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