i'm lost and i look like a hooker
why do cheetos always look like penises
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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