I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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