When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
