also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
