This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
