Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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