You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
