mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
