It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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