So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
