Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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