This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
