I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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