yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You made out with two different species that night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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