i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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