Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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