I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
