I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
