I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
