I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
