how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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