GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
