new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
tell me about the eggs
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
