I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
