just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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