you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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