you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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