i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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