i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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