yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
