I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
