Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
