come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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