Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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