Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think my moral compass just broke
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
