Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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