i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
