3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
