Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
