The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
