i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
